What color is alone?

The Blues is blue, right? When you’re feeling down and out, depressed, sad…it’s a blue feeling. It’s dim and dusky like a back table near closing time in a smoky bar. The blue hangs in the air like stale cigarette smoke.

Happiness and joy must be the glaring whiteness of a noon sun on new snow or maybe the bright softness of a field of yellow flowers.

Greed and envy, for some reason, share the green of new grass. It’s a green-eyed monster and the color of old money. Does a miser take on the hue of old bills and give off a mist of emerald gas?

We associate emotion and color in so many ways. I’ve always wondered, though, what color is alone? Take out your box of crayons and life’s coloring book and look for the picture of yourself in a crowd, the lost pebble that is a solitary person surrounded by a sea of people, their conversations and associations washing over you. Which color are you? Turn the page and find the picture that reminds you of the lonely nights when you’re isolated in your room or your car and absolutely no one is near.

What color is your loneliness? Which crayon is in your hand to outline the disconnect you feel or fill in the spaces of your need?

What color is the emptiness when you can’t hear a familiar voice, or you don’t even have the echo of a memory of the last “hello”…or “goodbye”?

What color is the place where you can’t feel the touch?

What color is heartache?

What color is alone?

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends….”

I suppose quoting Harry in the middle of a battle is a bit dramatic for the beginning of a new year, but I’m afraid there are too many comparisons to ignore it.  On the other hand, approaching 2012 as another year of opportunity instead of conflict is much more optimistic.  I’m too much an optimist to start out dreading what might come….

My favorite quotation, as my students will attest, is Thoreau’s comment in Walden about building castles in the air and then putting foundations under them.  I tell them to note that the dream comes first; then the brick and mortar.  This also, however, means that some reflection has taken place beforehand, contemplation of what has brought us to this place and why, who has helped prepare us for the dreaming and building and, perhaps, been our foundation all along.

In other words, the start of a new year is a good time for reflection as well as looking ahead!

This reflection is easier for me, I think, at the start of my 62^nd year than it is for my students in their 17^th or 18^th.  My memory may be bad, but I have more to remember than they do. 

The last year had its usual assortment of ups and downs for me.  Nothing terribly tragic occurred in my family even though it might have appeared so at the time.  My sons continue to make me very proud, as does my daughter-in-law.  My grandsons are quickly coming into their own distinct personalities and add so much delight to our lives.  Our wider family and circle of close friends also add to the warm glow that is every day.  Best of all, Nancy and I continue, after 39 years together, to discover and grow in our love for one another.

History has always interested me, particularly when I can make associations and connections from the past to the present, see the cyclical or spiral nature of events.  I’ve enjoyed reconnecting with people from my past—former classmates, students, colleagues—and drawn on some of those relationships as I look to the future for new opportunities and endeavors.  It will be fascinating to see what the new year brings.

I look forward this year most of all to my new grandchild.  Most are hoping for a girl, but I think the odds are against them.  Boy or girl, I am sure this addition to our family will bring us joy as well as his or her own challenges and changes.

I am hopeful that everyone will find opportunities to grow.  Clayton and Britnie are settling into their new jobs—parenting three children will bring its own…opportunities.  Matthew is at a crossroads of sorts in his music as he becomes once again primarily a solo artist.  I look forward to hearing new music!

My alma mater, Tarkio College, seems poised at rebirth after twenty years of closed doors.  Talk about challenges and opportunities!  This should be fun.

Every day I’ve been in the classroom I have seen all of this promise, the future building on the past, in the faces of my students.  My career is winding down and I look forward to new things, new faces in the next year or two.  It’s always great to see what they will do with their lives.  I am often surprised by them.

To paraphrase my favorite poet, Robert Frost, I enjoy looking into the woods so dark and deep with memories and the promise of peace, perhaps, but I, too, have “miles to go before I sleep,” and it’s time to get on with it.

Happy New Year!  Grab a brick.  You have castles to build.